Personal and Professional Experience
Over the years, I often wondered why it was that there appeared to be no psychological counselling services aimed at helping unwed mothers of my generation who had had to surrender their babies for adoption. This was evidently before I knew the truth regarding the main reason for the creation of the widespread phenomenon of adoption. That is to say, the social engineering project that went far beyond just another abhorrent manifestation of the religious morality imposed on the people of that era.
Religious institutions were obviously involved in this fraudulent experiment since they were chief administrators of the homes for unwed mothers, but they were merely an instrument, taking part in a much larger project. The project aimed at manipulating unwed mothers into surrendering their white babies so they could be adopted by white infertile married couples. We were therefore expressly targeted. This explains why we could not find any help to heal the post-traumatic stress we suffered due to the abrupt separation from our babies, since the psychology of the era was part of the problem.
To assure the success of such a huge social engineering project, it was necessary to co-ordinate all professional human resources and services: doctors, psychologists, social workers, members of the clergy, nuns, etc. so they would all be on the same page.
Years later, when the truth was finally revealed and as I was reading a document detailing the methods of psychological coercion used to obtain our babies, I recognized myself. While reading the list of methods and practices used systematically on us (the unwed mothers), I remembered having been subjected to many of these.
In 1969, I entered a home for unwed mothers carrying a suitcase full of baby clothes and a few months later exited without a baby. It was all very well organized, since in the end we all believed that adoption as a last recourse had been our own decision; this way the adoption industry could continue to be supplied for many decades.
As a code of silence ruled, not only to perpetuate a sense of shame, since all that needs to remain hidden is by nature shameful, but it also prohibited us from being able to band together for emotional support and comfort. Isolation was their method for absolute control. To my knowledge, only terrorist cells are not aware of other cells belonging to the same movement.
Last year I watched a television show being transmitted from Quebec, while an adoption reunion was happening ‘live’. First, we saw a man in his mid-forties, as he was getting ready to meet his natural mother for the first time. He was expressing a lot of anger as he related that according to him, he had been abandoned by a selfish, uncaring mother who had simply not wanted him. Wow! He had accepted to meet her only once so he could tell her what he thought of her. He only wanted to punish her for the suffering which she had caused him.
Then, we saw his mother seeming very anxious as she was preparing herself for this meeting with her son whom she had hoped to see again since the moment he was adopted. They met in a restaurant. The son remained visibly cold in his demeanor, while his mother was trying to explain how much the decision to surrender him for adoption had been painful for her. When they parted ways, the son announced that maybe he could think about it some more, but wasn’t promising anything.
For her part, the mother had no expectations, but only hoped to either be forgiven or perhaps be allowed to maintain some contact with her son, however limited.
This is when I realized that she had no idea about what had really happened to her. It was obvious she didn’t know she had been manipulated by a system that had stolen her baby. The decision had already been made for her as soon as she entered the home for unwed mothers. The process had merely been staged, perfectly executed by all parties involved in her case (The legal dictionary describes this as ‘collusion’).
She seemed distraught. It reminded me of my own reunion with my daughter. I was fifty years old and she was thirty-one. Although we do expect an indescribable roller-coaster of emotions, still we know we are missing something, but we just don’t know what. What we are missing is the truth; otherwise we simply cannot put all the pieces together. Feeling guilty for a crime we did not commit is irreconcilable. We cannot heal what we do not know. Still, we must be careful when discovering the truth that we do not go to the other extreme, and exchange shame and guilt to become instead hijacked by anger that will render us equally powerless. Because ultimately our quest for truth was in view of attaining liberation, we need to remain centered in order to find a peaceful resolution with the past. Having established this intention, our truth can now guide the process of transformation through which we will undoubtedly reclaim our true identity and sense of purpose.
HOW THE FAMILY CHART WAS BORN
In July 2004, the government of Alberta sent out flyers to every home announcing changes in legislation concerning adoption records.
I knew these changes were coming. I had caught a 15 second public service announcement as parts of news brief a couple of weeks earlier.
Perhaps it was because I heard the news in French that my immediate instinctual response was for the plight of the elderly in the Franco – Albertan community.
In an instant I envisioned an elderly woman with white soft curls looking shocked beyond belief, as she stood before a stranger on her doorstep claiming to be her biological offspring.
I knew how much preparation was required for a reunion with a child surrendered for adoption so long ago. I had already been through such an experience four years earlier.
So when the flyer arrived in the mail, announcing the new legislation, I realized that this information was being delivered in English only, in accordance with Alberta Law. The Child, Youth and Family Enhancement Act was coming into force, and interested parties had until November 1st to file a disclosure veto, to keep their identifying information from being made public. Since it was being delivered with junk mail, with barely three months left to make such an important decision, I cringed at the thought of this vital information not reaching those who needed it most. The elderly living in lodges, or other shared accommodations were also not likely to be made aware of this new development.
My mind raced back to the elderly woman with the white hair. I wondered what might be her story. She could be an older version of myself, having given birth to a child in a Francophone community, unwed and shamed into surrendering her child for adoption, as was customary back then. With religious and social taboos in cahoots, under the law dating back to the 1920’s, the court sealed adoption records. Biological mothers were assured confidentiality and were made to believe that a reunion with their child in the future was not likely. Admonished from ever even trying to do so, the chapter was to be closed permanently, and all appropriate feelings and emotions were supposed to be flash-frozen.
The old woman appeared to me as the archetype of all the women who had never been able to conclude the grief of such an unmentionable loss. Undoubtedly, each story is unique and personal. However, the elements of betrayal, shame and psychic numbing are also omnipresent throughout each.
I was able to maintain the vision of this generous archetypal figure, fully aware of the privilege of being invited to share in her moment. I witnessed her pain, as she was unable to prevent the instant thawing of all the unexpressed emotions of the past. She was clearly not prepared to deal with this. Bringing her consciousness back to her present day reality, she was also concerned about her family who didn’t know. The fall-out would be monumental.
I felt such compassion. I just wanted to remove her pain. Although I had been blessed with a happy reunion four years earlier, I was still not eager to discuss my situation indiscriminately. I was still very guarded. However, the incident with the flyer in my mailbox had had a transforming effect on me. Suddenly, I was willing to by-pass the self-consciousness and fear of self- disclosure. I reached out to the Francophone community through the media, hoping to alert those who might not have heard about these changes, whether due to the language barrier or for other reasons.
Incidentally, I was rather taken aback by the resistance I encountered when I approached the editor of one particular French newspaper. As this was a monthly publication and the only official source of information printed in French, time was of the essence to have my article included in the next month’s issue. I found myself having to explain that it was actually the responsibility of this newspaper to announce a change in legislation that was bound to affect so many. There appeared to be a lack of interest or information. Perhaps it was just an indication that the subject of adoption was still very much taboo in our society, and to a great extent still is. In any case, the article was published on time and I felt empowered and strengthened by the experience.
I felt liberated. I had a sense of freedom I had never believed possible during all those years. I could hardly recognize myself. I went from a place of fear and doubt, to activist. I had gotten out of my own way. As humans, whenever we go beyond our immediate sphere of self and experience compassion, as we allow ourselves to feel the other’s pain, our own pain diminishes. The gift is really to us.
During the weeks that followed, as I was contacting the network of agencies and organizations that provide services to the elderly in the Franco- Albertan community, something else was taking shape in my own consciousness. I was becoming aware that my life’s work was about to reveal a pre-ordained purpose. That is, pre-ordained by the desires of my heart. I soon realized that my education, training and career so far, formed the nexus for my new endeavour. My fascination with family dynamics had led me to develop counseling methods that also incorporated other family members in order to shed light on the individual’s soul journey and psychological development. In short, this is known as transformative psychology.
Early on in my career, I had been amazed at how people could transform their lives by having the willingness to change their perception on their situation. The operative word here being ‘willingness’.
When the individual can see herself / himself as part of a learning group that came together to contribute to each other’s soul healing and development, the result is a shift of focus from blame to responsibility. This notion has been around for a long time. The Buddha first called it karma. It is a most empowering realization as it facilitates a move from seeing oneself as a mere victim of circumstances and affords instead the freedom to execute change.
The tools that seemed most useful to me in acquiring a broader perspective on family dynamics had come from the science and spiritual philosophy of numbers. I had developed the skillful art of interpretation of the individual as well as the family chart. Now I could visualize the chart in color. Numbers used in conjunction with assigned colors would create a grid indicating similarities and differences between members of the biological and adoptive families. The whole concept of soul attraction to one’s family would be striking.
I proceeded to do my own family chart. I computed the data (names and birth dates) from my own family of origin and that of my daughter’s adoptive family and color-coded the results. What a revelation! Even without the ability to interpret the philosophy of numbers, the display of colors alone spoke volumes.
I knew that there would be many applications for this chart. It could be used to gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics involved throughout all relationships including:
- Family of origin
- One’s own family with spouse and children
- Step family
- Post adoption family
- Groups in the work place
I can’t help but think that destiny had a hand in this project. Now, when I look at a family chart, I see sheet music for a symphony whose final note has yet to be written.
Letting go of the baby to allow the adult to come in had actually led me to the next ego attachment that would need to be relinquished. Here I am referring to the identity that was formed around the sense of loss. Whenever we identify with a story from the past, our true identity is kept from our awareness as well as the ability to feel compassion for ourselves.
The circumstances that had permitted me to glimpse the reality of our true nature of interdependence had been provoked by an altruistic desire, which in turn added a whole new dimension to my work in the field of psycho genealogy. Thus, the fruit of renunciation revealed itself through the creation of the ‘family dynamics chart’.
What I Know
Seeking to understand and eventually heal the pain of separation from my firstborn child set me on a path of learning, and sharing my discoveries became my life purpose.
For the past 25 years, I have been devoted to learning a variety of inter-disciplinary studies and their practical application. However, the tools that seem most useful in acquiring a broader perspective on family dynamics came from the science and spiritual philosophy of numbers. Gaining heart knowledge, I developed the skillful art of interpretation of the individual as well as the family chart. This experience has demonstrated that the "family" is a puzzle that CAN be solved when we understand how the pieces fit!
Since my reunion with my daughter in 2000, I have become acutely aware of the underlying issues affecting every member of the broader post-adoption family. Everyone involved is profoundly changed by this experience.
In light of recent changes in legislation, for many of us the search has ended and the long awaited reunions will now be possible. As with all sudden and very significant changes, the happy reunions can also provoke confusing thoughts and cause many emotional sub themes to surface.
For many, the pattern of identifying with woundedness and loss must be surrendered, along with expectations of recapturing or recreating the lost years.
Attempting to sort out the waves of emotions which will naturally surge is simply overwhelming. We are soon reminded that it is the 'role' rather than the instinct of mother that was sacrificed so long ago.
We must be realistic. For biological mothers, the search will end, but not through a magical reunion with the baby we were never able to emotionally detach from, as if frozen in time. Rather, we must be willing to exchange that long held illusion for the reality of meeting the adult he or she has become. Adoptees, on the other hand, will be able to let go of the myth of the happy childhood enjoyed by children raised in their biological families.
However, for each of us whose story took up so much room, although mostly in the unconscious part of our psyches, there is now the opportunity to conclude the grief concerning what might have been and begin the journey of discovery. Only then can we honestly negotiate the kind of relationship appropriate to both parties.
For a personal interpretation of your Family Dynamics Chart please contact Celine
